Dear Wife,
I’m writing this letter to let you know that I’m leaving for good. I’ve tried to be a good husband throughout our seven years of marriage, but I have nothing to show for it.
These past two weeks have been tough. Your boss informed me that you quit your job today, and honestly, that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a fresh haircut, prepared your favorite meal, and was even wearing a new pair of silk boxers.
You scarfed down dinner in two minutes and went straight to bed after watching your soap operas. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you’re not interested in intimacy, or anything that connects us as a couple.
Either you’re cheating, or you’ve simply fallen out of love. Either way, it’s over, and I’m done.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don’t bother looking for me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia together! Enjoy your life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Your letter made my day—thank you! Yes, we’ve been married for seven years, but calling yourself a “good man” is quite the stretch.
I watch so many TV shows because they help drown out your constant complaining, though clearly, even that wasn’t enough.
And about your haircut—I did notice. The first thing that came to mind was, “You look like a girl!” Since my mom taught me if I don’t have anything nice to say, I kept quiet.
As for the meal you cooked, I think you mixed me up with my sister because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
And those silk boxers? I turned away because I saw the $49.99 price tag still hanging on them. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that same morning.
Despite all this, I still loved you and hoped we could make things work. That’s why, when I hit the lottery for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I suppose. I hope you find the life you’ve always wanted. My lawyer assured me that your letter guarantees you won’t see a dime of my money.
Take care,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich and Free
P.S. Not sure if I ever mentioned this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. Hope that’s not an issue!
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